Me on the phone: Yeah I’m going to be late to work today.
Me: There’s a cat gang bang happening on top of my car.
Supervisor: Well can’t you break it up?
Me: Who am I to break up a cat gang bang? They’ve probably been organizing it for days on Craigslist.
Supervisor: Good point. See you when you get here.
WHAT THE ACTUAL————I can’t. I can’t even can. I have lost the ability to can.